I’ll be quick and blunt. I have ‘unique’ parents. They’re negative, angry, semi-drunks who always put themselves first. I didn’t exactly grow up in a broken home, but my childhood was pretty fucked up because of those two. If I were to vent about my parents though, it wouldn’t fit in a blog post. That’s why I’ve tried to narrow it down to make it a little general and relatable to others. So here it is; five things that I wish my parents would always keep in mind:
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Yes, I am smarter than you. No, I’m not trying to rub it in your faces.
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When I use words like insinuate, retroactive and arbitrary, I’m not trying to show off. I’m trying to have a normal conversation with you. People I know use those words all the time. They’re not difficult words! When you stop the entire conversation to point out that I’m ‘one-upping’ you with my ‘fancy words’, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. For fuck’s sake, I’m your son! I’m supposed to reach higher and go further. It’s not my fault you got stuck in life and hate everything. Every time I argue against you, you hit me with that shit! Want me to agree with you? Stop preaching blind hatred for everything that moves!
I do have a master’s degree. That’s not very hard to remember when you talk to all of your friends, is it?
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I understand that when the two of you grew up, people worked their asses off for minimum wage, and the people sitting in their offices were ‘the enemy’. Well, I worked my ass off getting a degree instead, and now I’m in an office. You both find this ‘sickening’, because I make more money than you. That’s something to be proud of, isn’t it? When I was studying, you always pestered me about getting a job. But now that I got one, I guess you’ll just settle for petty jealousy, and keep not asking about it. You don’t even know what I do!
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I’m a pessimist down to my very bones; and that’s all because of you two. But I still have a positive outlook on life, because life is awesome!
I don’t want negative energy in my life. I don’t want to have a bleak outlook on everything. So when I tell you that I’ve done something – or tried something you haven’t – you’re supposed to go, “That’s great! Sound’s like fun!” Instead you immediately take it away:
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“What did you do today?”
I wrote a song – “Why? Is there any money to be made doing that nowadays?”
I went for a two-hour bike ride – “You shouldn’t really ride your bike in this heat, son.”
Ate sushi – “I don’t like sushi!”
A friend has a boat, we actually went sailing – “You can’t swim very well, make sure you wear your vest.”
I worked out – “What do you need all those muscles for anyway?” (I have a fairly average build.)
Me and some friends are working on a movie. “Why? Is there any money to be made doing that nowadays?”
Had to work overtime – did some great stuff today. “…Oh”
Or, you could just add “Why not have a baby instead?” to each and every one of these. And that brings me to the most important point:
I’ll have a baby when my wife and I decide it’s time. That’s whenever we damn well please!
Pushing and prodding is not going to change that. The fact that you even think you have that power over me is baffling. I’ve had a great adult life, with nothing but good things happening to me. First I had five awesome years at the university – and thanks mom, for calling me every other day when I wrote my master thesis, complaining about how you never saw me anymore. (Even though I was at your fucking house twice a week.) Thank you double for the comment asking me to just “sit down and write the damn thing”, so I got it done. “Could that be so hard? I mean, you’ll have to finish this thing eventually, like everyone else, so you can get a job and start having babies.” (I didn’t use a single day extra on any of my degrees, but you don’t even know what they are, so what the hell, right?)
Then I hit some hard times, falling out with my girlfriend – then leaving her just as I finished my degree. But you supported me through that, mother! You kept sending me messages calling me an asshole and then asking me to come have dinner. Then you pushed for me to “send her flowers and beg for her to take me back” (even though I left her), all because you wanted us to be together, so you could have grandchildren. Then, when I got together with my awesome wife (the love of my damn life), you started pestering me about how it wouldn’t last – and that I should just get back with my ex already. (And that I had to hurry, because she was already with someone new! Oh no! That bitch! What is she thinking? Moving on without considering your feelings…)
But then I got married. And after screaming at you and slamming my fist down ten thousand times, you came to the wedding, and even gave us a toast filled with tears and joy. And after all that, you figured you could go back to pestering me about babies. I’ll say it again: IN MY OWN. DAMN. TIME!
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We don’t need your help all the time, and that’s a good thing!
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You’re the one who keeps complaining that my dad is a million years old; and yet when I paint the walls or contemplate building a deck by myself you’re both shocked and offended. “Why not come to us for help?” What the hell do you know about any of this? “Well, nothing, but-” But. Crack! I’m not going to ask your sorry asses to help me out with something you don’t know anything about, just because you’re my parents. I know kids are supposed to think parents are like superheroes, but I’ve seen your sloppy carpentry way too many times to believe that. Besides, I’m 28 years old – I’m supposed to get by on my own, financially and practically. You did your job – kinda half-assed, but you kept me fed and clothed – then I moved out and started getting by on my own. It’s time you rest and let me take it from here.
Parenting – Let the hate flow through you!
Phew! That did perhaps come out a bit ‘ranty’, but all those things can’t be unique to my parents, right? Right?! Please share your thoughts (and rants) below, let me know I’m not alone in this world!
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Sincerely, Bishop
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The Fall of Noman 